Not So Ordinary

I find myself in the middle of ordinary time, a season in the church calendar celebrated as a green, growing time. A time to cultivate new rhythms, establish rituals of growth, wholeness, and flourishing. It’s also a time of discipleship, attention, vocation, ministry, and creativity.

It’s not a season meant to be “ordinary” or “boring”, simply a season of everyday, presence, and intention. This year, ordinary time started at the beginning of June and will lead us all the way to the season of advent in November.It takes up half the year, and rightly so, as we are gifted this time and space to cultivate, create, and flourish. On the northern hemisphere, this season starts during Springtime, when we are anxious to close the door on Winter and watch new flowers blossom. We move through Summertime, when we cultivate gardens, harvest produce, and take vacations, creating space for rest and rejuvenation. It takes us through Autumn, when children begin school and we notice their growth, when we establish daily rhythms of “getting back into the swing of things”.
 
In just over a week we’ll be on the southern hemisphere, moving from Summer in the U.S. to Winter in New Zealand. Though these seasons will change, the seasons in the church calendar are the same. Summer and Winter are completely opposite each other, but it will be ordinary time in both the U.S. and New Zealand. This is encouraging to me during our huge transition!
This ordinary time has brought us new classes in our Master’s degrees, weekly playdates with friends, constant travel to different churches as we fundraise, and a vacation on the beach in Alabama. We’ve had three successful fundraising events, eaten countless meals with friends (old and new!), logged many hours in the car, spent much-needed time with familyand recently packed up 9+ bags for our move.
Nothing about this season has seemed “ordinary”, and I notice in my heart a craving for rhythm, routine, and daily rituals. Some themes for our family’s season of ordinary time are relationship, presence, and ministry. As excited as we are to officially ARRIVE and begin our ministry, we realize that this time of preparation is part of the ministry and we are striving to stay in the present moment and soak it all in. Intentionally staying present has made this season all the more enjoyable!
Stay tuned for more blog posts as we get settled <3

Holy Yoga: One Year Later

“Am I doing this right?”, I asked cautiously and hopefully as I got into crow pose for the first time. “YES!”, my new friend encouraged excitedly. I only lasted a few seconds, maybe 1 or 2 breaths, but I was so thrilled.
One year ago today I had just returned from Holy Yoga retreat, a week spent in Williams Arizona at Lost Canyon campgrounds. That week held more for me than I ever imagined. I went excited to receive my 200hr Yoga Teacher Certification, but I left with far more. A greater physical and spiritual awareness, a sense of healing, a closeness to my Creator, deep and lasting friendships, a wealth of knowledge, tools to deepen my practice, and a supportive prayer community found me that week.
“You’re doing it right!” was a phrase I needed to hear repeatedly during my retreat week. I kept looking around at the other yogis, hoping my posture looked just like theirs, and quickly realizing it didn’t. I was reminded by the instructors that “if you’re engaging the right muscles, you’re doing it right.” Eventually I will gain the flexibility and strength so that the posture “looks right” but until then, I’m engaging the right muscles so, I’m  doing it right.
I’ve spent a year doing yoga regularly, having only before practiced while pregnant with my second baby. There were some limitations to my prenatal practice but there are no limitations now… except for the ones I set for myself. There are a lot of times where I just *think* I can’t do a posture but once I finally try it, it’s not so bad! There are plenty of muscles that still need developing so that I can work on more advanced postures but for now, I like where I’m at. I’m really enjoying the journey and I realize I can’t be in this to “master” certain postures. There will never be a day when I have finally “arrived”; it is a constant strengthening and improving of myself.
I love this physical journey of yoga because it is so akin to my spiritual journey and relationship with Christ. Walking with Jesus is literally that: a journey, a path. There will never be a day when I have “arrived” to a metaphorical destination. He meets me where I’m at and we just walk together. Following Christ is a development of my spiritual muscles, daily drawing closer to  my Creator, daily recognizing my brokenness, and daily following his example. I’m doing it right, because I’m seeking after him, listening for his voice, and saying YES when I feel called to something. (Lately, New Zealand and Creating Space.)
A year later, I can hold crow pose for a few more breaths but there is still plenty to work on. I’m not worried about it though, and I don’t compare my journey with anyone else’s. I’ve got my intention set on Christ, and I’m enjoying the journey, both physically and spiritually.
Think about a time when you have been most physically tested. What about a time when you were challenged spiritually and mentally? Looking back, how have you changed since then?

BOOM, space. (A Lenten Theme)

Lent has been over for a couple weeks now, and we’ve since moved into the glorious season of Easter. Because our blog was down during most of that time, I wanted to share a bit about my Lenten theme of creating space. Across the board, this is a pretty general theme and one I think we should all embrace during the season of Lent. As we’ve been preparing to move to New Zealand, this Lenten season seemed busier than ever. Full of our regular weekly/daily/monthly activities + trying to add coffee catch-ups or dinners with friends + speaking engagements at churches, slowing down didn’t seem feasible. I decided to put forth conscious and intentional effort to create space.
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1) First, I looked at my calendar to see where and how I spent most of my time. I noticed a large chunk of it was spent preparing for, teaching, and driving to and from yoga classes. I decided to continue teaching Holy Yoga twice a week, and quit the other three prenatal classes + breastfeeding support group I was leading. Being a part of this particular studio family has been such a blessing to me over the last couple years, but I felt like a new chapter was unfolding for me. As bittersweet as it was, I ended my time there. BOOM, space.
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2) Second, I examined how I was spending all those free minutes waiting in line somewhere, waiting for someone to text me back, or just killing five minutes before a meeting or event started. The result? I found I was spending a lot of time on social media. I’m certain I’m not the only one who has noticed what a time-sucker (“space-destroyer”, if you will) social media is! Five minutes several times a day can really add up, and instead of spending those minutes mindlessly scrolling through other people’s “news”, comparing myself to others, or just “checking out” of what I should be doing in that present moment, I decided to transform those minutes by reading through the daily office prayer app, or simply engaging with my dear children. BOOM, space.
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3) This third area where space was created was unintentional on my part. (Shoutout to my Creator for closing doors that need to be closed!) I had enrolled in another seminary course for the Spring quarter but as the first week began, I quickly realized I was enrolled in the on-campus version instead of online. On-campus classes are held in Pasadena, CA so there was no way I could continue in this class and, according to the registrar, there was no way to get switched over to the online version. No longer would I spend Monday afternoons doing homework and evenings reading textbooks. I will say this creation of space was harder for me to deal with because my husband was still spending long hours writing papers, responding to forum posts, and reading textbooks. Honestly, I haven’t found a great alternative for “homework time” and seem to have filled this time simply, by sitting on the couch and resting. What began as a disappointment has turned into a blessing. BOOM, space.
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4) My yoga practice always helps to make space in my body. Creating length in side bends, releasing the lower back in a forward fold, or opening the heart/chest in cow pose all help create space. Moving from teaching 5 classes per week to only 2 has made me be more intentional in my practice. BOOM, space. I’m reminded me of the importance of sequencing postures to open up the body; it helps give me an image of the Holy Spirit LITERALLY inhabiting the space I’ve created. Not inward-focused, but outward-oriented. Filled with the Spirit, so we can love others better.
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Here’s to moving forward through Eastertide with an openness for redemption, resurrection, celebration, renewal, and freedom.
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Peace,
Abigail

In Retrospect: My Word for 2016

Do you make New Year’s resolutions? I never have, but thought this year might be a good time to start because I’m really good at adding things to my already full plate. When I was trying to come up with a resolution for 2017 I just kept thinking of things that were more fitting for a bucket list. Visit a new country and continent (New Zealand in July, check!), master a new song on the ukulele, eat leafy greens with every meal, and visit all our favorite Kansas City places before we move. These things also remind me of my to-do lists where I write down things that I’m already planning on doing so that I can check them off. I’ve already decided we’re moving to New Zealand, so does that count?! And we’ll already be visiting all our favorite KC places before moving, so that probably doesn’t count either… Another thing I thought of was inspired by a fellow Holy Yoga instructor that I follow on instagram. She is committing to doing ten sun salutations every day in 2017. Wow! “That is a great workout”, I thought. Doing ten sun salutations would tone my arms, my abs, get my heart rate up, and would be amazing!

But then I thought, “Hmm… would I actually do that?!” Or would it just be another thing on my list that I never accomplish so it gets moved to the following week? Would I forget for a whole week and then start the next Monday with the burden of completing 70 sun salutations to make up for what I missed?
I’ve already confessed that I expect a lot from myself and so I’m thinking I have a couple choices here:
1) Commit to ten daily sun salutations and fail.
2) Not commit to ten daily sun salutations.
Maybe I could do it every day in January, maybe even February too. But I also know we’ll be traveling several weekends to speak at different churches and staying in other people’s homes. I know we’ll be MOVING TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD in July and our days will be messed up for a bit. I know that parenting is hard, and there’s often no time “on my own” to complete ten sun salutations. I know that challenging myself is good, but I’ve found it’s also wise to have realistic expectations. When would I do these sun salutations? After a long day of momming and teaching where I DREAD this commitment? Or setting my alarm early so that I wake up angry about missing an extra half hour of sleep? No. As much as I want to see myself commit to this and succeed, I just can’t do it. Not this year at least! As yoga has taught me, I’m learning to LISTEN to my body and not force it to do something that would eventually cause damage.
Almost everyone I know chooses a word instead of a resolution for the new year. Some call it a phrase, a mantra, or an intention, but it’s basically something that you focus on and it can encompass many things. The end of 2015 was hard for me (and I’ve talked about that in a different post), but I was not prepared to select a word for 2016.
Retrospectively, my word for 2016 was “renewal”. My emotional and physical health has been renewed and because of that, my relationships are stronger, my marriage is better, I can offer myself grace, and I can extend more grace to others. My expectations for myself are becoming more realistic, I’m getting better at letting go of things that are unimportant, and also at focusing on things that are truly important to me and my family. This renewal didn’t occur in one simple moment, but has been an ongoing transformation that will continue throughout my life.
We will see what 2017 brings and what word I find myself holding once December rolls around, but for now I feel myself moving from “renewal” to “embrace”. 2017 will involve SO MUCH CHANGE that may make me feel compelled to go hide in my introvert’s corner, but I want to be an active participant in this change and truly embrace it. I don’t know the extent of what my family will be embracing in 2017 but i know it will include a new home, a new country, maximizing time with old friends and meeting new ones, getting rid of meaningless stuff and acquiring new things, creating fresh routines, and finding what’s normal for us. It will require a boldness to move forward when things are difficult, a humility to lean on each other and those who have offered their support, and a faith to continue trusting God with our lives.
(photo cred: Hannah Beers at harperrosephoto.com)
Happy New Year!
Embracing 2017,
The Carr Family

A Perfectly Imperfect Christmas

I always have great expectations for myself during Christmastime, it is truly my favorite season of the year! I want to bake (and eat) all the cookies, attend all the parties, buy all the presents, hang all the ornaments, watch all the movies, go ice skating, visit the trains at union station, make homemade gifts for everyone and their mothers, and do all sorts of other fun things with my family.
But I feel like these things come too early. All of the Christmas festivities happen before Christmas, helping us anticipate the main event: Christmas morning. So when do we celebrate advent? Advent takes place during the 4 weeks leading up to Christmas. It is the hope of the Christmas season, the preparation to receive God’s greatest gift to us, the expectation of something amazing, the longing for God With Us, Emmanuel.
With two little kids in the house, I’m still trying to find the “right” annual Christmas traditions to embrace. Growing up, my parents gave us ornaments and pajamas on Christmas Eve and filled stockings for us Christmas morning. I absolutely love those traditions, but I keep forgetting to make it happen for our kids. Every year my in-laws watch White Christmas, make chex mix, and eat homemade danishes, but we didn’t do that this year either. Last year we had just returned from Northern Ireland and surprised my parents on their doorstep Christmas morning! That was so fun, but our international move didn’t leave room for us to plan Christmas “activities”. We move around so much that it seems, for us at least, that it’s not about the gifts (and honestly, we only bought one gift for each of our boys this year anyway). We have collected nativity scenes from all over the world and we’ve consistently been able to get those out every year. It seems that certain traditions are making themselves happen, whether we plan for it or not!
 
I’m choosing to embrace whatever this season brings, and not force it into something it just isn’t. I’m not concerned about the cranberry and popcorn garland that was never made for the tree. I’m not worried about the serious lack of hot cocoa we experienced. I’m letting go of the homemade gifts, the fancy sweet potatoes (just bake, peel, and mash, my friends!), the Christmas movies, the gifts the boys were going to make for each other, the baby Jesus craft, the caroling, and the salt dough ornaments… There’s so much I expected of myself this holiday season and well, a lot of it didn’t happen. And somehow, however imperfectly, this Christmas season has been perfect. Our “last” Christmas with extended family, our “last” cold-weather Christmas, our “last” Christmas in Kansas City (for a few years at least).
 
Today is the last day of advent, a season dedicated to waiting for the birth of the Christ-child. Christmas day is the end of advent, but the beginning of the Christmas season! So for the start of Christmas this year, I’m not agonizing over wrapping all the gifts with perfectly tied ribbons or making sure the house is clean. I’m choosing to be present this evening on this silent and holy night, this last day of advent. I’m anticipating tomorrow, Christmas Day, when earth receives her king and the joy of Christmas is truly upon us!
“Heavenly hosts sing ‘Hallelujah!’. Repeat the sounding joy! Glory to God in the Highest! Let heaven and nature sing, Joy to the world!”
Merry Christmas!

Advent is for Expectation

Every year during advent I find myself filled with great hope and expectation. It is my very favorite season! I love Christmas, but there is something so special about the anticipation during advent. This year, I’m expectant and hopeful for another event too.
Our family is journeying once again, this time to New Zealand!
We have accepted a pastoral position at a Nazarene church in Christchurch (great name, right?!) and we are thrilled about this new opportunity!
Unlike our other travels, this venture does not have an end-date. At first this felt intimidating, but now it feels like freedom. Freedom to dig deeper roots into our new community, freedom to form lasting friendships, and freedom to really carve out a life for ourselves in a new context. John and I have moved around so much in our 6 and a half years together, and we look forward to the prospect of being settled somewhere for a few years at least.
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Along with the excitement comes a bit of sadness too. Once again, we are uprooting ourselves to go somewhere we’ve never been. Once again, we’ll be without the support of our children’s grandparents, close family, and dear friends. Once again, we’ll find ourselves working hard to create a new routine and help our children adjust to a new culture. Once again, we’ll fumble around learning different words and phrases, making cultural faux pas at every turn. And once again, we’ll be reminded of God’s grace and provision for our family.
There are just over 7 months until we leave (in mid-July), and there is a lot to do in that time frame. We are in the process of scheduling speaking engagements at various churches around the country. So far we are scheduled on Sunday mornings in Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, Illinois, and California! There are a few other locations on the horizon but if you’d like to host us at your church, we’d LOVE to come visit and share about what God has been doing in the life of our family over the years. Please send me a message if you’re interested in having us. Also, pretty soon I’ll be launching a fundraising endeavor that everyone can get behind! (Pssst… it involves artisan gifts made in Haiti and East Africa!)
We’d love for your prayers over the following:
-Cultural Transition for our boys (now 4 and 2)
-Continued dedication to our schoolwork (John is working on his Master’s of Divinity and I’m working on my Master’s of Intercultural Studies)
-That we wouldn’t hold too tightly to our material possessions
-That our financial needs would be met
-Open minds to notice creative ways to reach out to this new community
Please send me a message with your email address if you’d like to be included in ministry-specific newsletters. On our blog we’ll be writing about cultural adjustments, family life, our faith journeys, and non-specific ministry news (to protect the identities of those in NZ). Facebook and Instagram will be mainly for family-related news because, well, we have cute kids that we know you’ll want to see!
With hopeful expectation during this advent season,
Peace!

Confession: Separation of Experiences

I confess that separation is hard.
There are two experiences. Two things that have nothing to do with each other, and my mind keeps putting them in the same category.
This is confusing for me. One experience was new and exciting. The other, dark and devastating. Unfortunately they happened at the same time. I’m working on rewiring my brain to separate these two experiences.
At the beginning of 2015, after a year of preparation and fundraising, my family moved to Northern Ireland. If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you know all about this lovely experience. A new ministry assignment, a new church family, a new culture… all of it was refreshing and humbling and we learned so much! We met some of the most generous and hospitable people we’d ever encountered, willing to walk through life’s journey with us knowing the year would be over before we could say “What about ye?” We experienced so much joy, so much growth, so much love. That’s the first experience; the happy one.
At the beginning of 2015, I had just had my second baby. I felt like a different mom this time around, but not in a good way. I realized almost a year later that I had been suffering from postpartum depression. A chemical imbalance in my brain gave me extreme anxiety about social gatherings, made me cry on the couch for hours at a time, took away my desire to get out of bed in the mornings, gave me an overwhelming shyness, changed my relationship with food, stole my confidence, and forced me to believe lies about myself. I blamed much of this on culture stress and the difficult task of leaving behind our whole support system in Kansas City. I blamed it on the dreary Northern Irish weather (which was actually quite lovely), and the exhausting task of being the parent of a toddler and a newborn. I didn’t want to admit to struggling with a mental illness and I didn’t even realize that’s what I had at the time. I felt like a terrible mother and I even resented my sweet second-born at times, wondering “…if I hadn’t just given birth, would I still be feeling this way??” There were a lot of factors that caused me stress during this time but, now that I’m on the other side, I’m finding healing in “confessing” that I had a mental illness. Some people ask what it felt like and, besides feeling like I was in a muddy pit that I just COULD NOT climb out of, I tell them that I felt like a totally different person. That’s the second experience, the sad one.
In high school and college, I was always the happy one with the positive outlook. I could turn any situation into a good one, showing others how the glass really was half-full, not half-empty. What people wrote in my yearbooks was that they loved how I was so joyful, how nothing seemed to get me down. What mentors have remarked on in the past was how flexible and adaptable I was, and how I always had a smile on my face. Well, in 2015 that wasn’t me. Either I was really good at pretending, or my new friends didn’t know the type of person I was before. It’s not their fault, but it’s not mine either. I’m allowing myself the grace to own that experience because as awful as it was, it’s part of my journey now. I still can’t talk about it without crying or just cutting the conversation short, but I’m okay with that too. It’s good to feel emotions. God gave us emotions to experience life more fully.
So, I’m working on separating these two experiences. Northern Ireland didn’t make me depressed, I just happened to suffer from postpartum depression while there. I write this to share with you, my dearest friends and family because some of you may not know. If you’re experiencing these feelings, you’re not alone. Sometimes (a lot of times) life isn’t all sunshine and roses, and that’s okay. Even when God calls us to something, that doesn’t mean everything will be easy and fantastic and happy all the time.
im1-shutterflyI’m a different person now. A better one. I’m thankful for my current mental state and how I’m rising up. Even though I wouldn’t want to go back to that dark time, I’m grateful for where it’s brought me. I couldn’t rise up, until I had something to rise up from… this seems to be my mantra these days. And it sounds cliche, but it’s true: The trees are greener, the sun is warmer, the flowers smell better, and God’s presence is more evident than ever.
Thank you for carrying my story in your heart. May you also rise up.
Grace and Peace.

Part of His plan?

Do you think God takes sides? I’ve heard people say about this election that “It’s all part of God’s plan.” I can’t help but wonder if those people would say the same thing if the other side had won, or if the president-elect had been a black man, a Muslim, or a member of the LGBTQ community instead of being a straight rich white guy. Most of us would probably say it wouldn’t be any different and most of us would claim to believe in a God who is Love.

This notion of a God who is exercising a non-discriminating love towards all people should stand as a healthy protection against racists who do not believe God really loves dark-skinned people. It also should stand as a healthy protection against white evangelicals who instinctively feel (even when we deny it) that God is more concerned about us than about the unemployed workers who flock to Mexico City every day. Or at least surely we must be more blessed than them… right?

There is something false and unbiblical about this view of God’s relationship to the world’s peoples when we pit groups against each other and ask whether God is equally the God of the military dictator and those who are murdered by that dictator. Does God have the same disposition toward the victim of a plant closedown in Akron, Ohio as toward the members of the Board of Directors who shut down the plant (with no concern for what would happen to the workers)?

Maybe your God is aloof from such things; any other God would be a God who chooses sides. And surely a god who loves everyone wouldn’t choose sides would he? It might not be so hard for the biblical writers to imagine though. Let’s take a look at Exodus 1:8-14; 2:23-25; 3:7-10.

the people of Israel became so numerous that the whole region of Goshen was full of them. Many years later a new king came to power. He did not know what Joseph had done for Egypt, and he told the Egyptians: There are too many of those Israelites in our country, and they are becoming more powerful than we are. 10 If we don’t outsmart them, their families will keep growing larger. And if our country goes to war, they could easily fight on the side of our enemies and escape from Egypt. 11 The Egyptians put slave bosses in charge of the people of Israel and tried to wear them down with hard work. Those bosses forced them to build the cities of Pithom and Rameses,[a] where the king[b] could store his supplies. 12 But even though the Israelites were mistreated, their families grew larger, and they took over more land. Because of this, the Egyptians hated them worse than before 13 and made them work so hard14 that their lives were miserable. The Egyptians were cruel to the people of Israel and forced them to make bricks and to mix mortar and to work in the fields.

23 After the death of the king of Egypt, the Israelites still complained because they were forced to be slaves. They cried out for help, 24 and God heard their loud cries. He did not forget the promise he had made to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, 25 and because he knew what was happening to his people, he felt sorry for them.

I am the God who was worshiped by your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.” Moses was afraid to look at God, and so he hid his face. The Lord said: I have seen how my people are suffering as slaves in Egypt, and I have heard them beg for my help because of the way they are being mistreated. I feel sorry for them, and I have come down to rescue them from the Egyptians. I will bring my people out of Egypt into a country where there is good land, rich with milk and honey. I will give them the land where the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites now live. My people have begged for my help, and I have seen how cruel the Egyptians are to them. 10 Now go to the king! I am sending you to lead my people out of his country.

We have a class struggle happening here. Two sides pitted against each other. Can we claim that this is God’s will? That one class would trample on the other classes? One side is forcing the other into slavery, but then God steps onto the scene. He clearly takes the side of the oppressed people. And we see in scripture that he always takes that side.

So is this “all part of God’s plan”? The whole earth is under the dominion of God and this is affirmed by Dutch theologian Abraham Kuyper who wrote,

“There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, Mine!”

We have no reason to doubt that God is in control. The real question on my mind is this: “If God is in control, does that mean he approves of everything that happens?”

Part of the life of the Christian is to be in the center of the will of God. So if the answer to the above question is “Yes”, then God has chosen every single national leader, and has appointed them with approval. In this scenario, the military dictator who kills hundreds of thousands is appointed by God. The problem with this answer is that it runs counter to the character of God. It should then be noted that while God’s authority is absolute, his approval is not.

Drew Griffin once wrote “Everything that we do in our lives, every vote that is cast, every leader that ascends, all of it happens under the providence of God. However, God’s sovereignty does not give us license for sinful choices.” We are called to be the hands and feet of Christ. We are called to defend the oppressed. We are called to stand up for the voiceless.

So God firmly remains in control amidst the chaos. Are we off the hook because “It’s all part of God’s plan”? Is it enough to rest securely in that control?

 

The 2nd Birthday of Our 2nd Son

Two years ago today I woke up at 2am with a contraction. After confidently laboring at home for awhile we arrived at the birth center at 6am. Moses arrived after two (or was it 3?) pushes and was placed in my arms at 7:03am. A fast and furious labor, this boy has changed my life in more ways than one.
We call him passionate. Passionate in his joy and passionate in his grief. If he is upset, everyone in a 2 mile radius will know it (kidding, sort of). But his zest for life lights up the room and you can’t help but smile alongside him. Living up to his name, at age 2 he is already a great leader and encourages his older brother to follow after him. This usually results in both of them having more fun, albeit more dangerously than I prefer… We like to call him Mo, Mosey-bear, Mo-Mack, or Mo Mo.
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Self potty-trained before 23 months of age, this not-so-baby-of-mine is fiercely independent, but a great snuggler when he wants to be. Moses is very different from his brother in almost every way. They both have white hair and are named after prophets though, so there’s that. Two years have indeed flown by, and it’s been so fun, but also SO HARD.
It took me awhile to figure out how to have two kids as opposed to one, and it took me awhile to figure out that I don’t (and will never) know everything about parenting. This job on the day/night (parenthood) shift is no joke. Social media makes it look like all fun and games, sunshine and roses, cuddles and first words, but there are some incredibly frustrating moments where I am critical of myself and doubtful of my abilities to accomplish this difficult task. It took me awhile to learn how to extend grace to myself, and it took me awhile to forgive myself for things that were not my fault. Other people offer me grace all the time, why can’t I receive it from myself? I’ve learned a big lesson in this: the only person requiring perfection out of me is ME. My family doesn’t expect me to be perfect, and neither do my friends, and God definitely doesn’t require me to be perfect, He loves me in spite of all my failures.
But, this isn’t about me.
Happy Birthday to my dearest Moses. Birthing you made me aware of a strength I didn’t know I possessed, and parenting you has truly made me enjoy life more than I did before. It’s a blessing to be loved by you <3

Sunday Confessional, Anniversary Edition

I confess that sometimes I feel like I’m still 17 years old.

I’m so klutzy, and never quite know what to say. Things are often difficult for me to understand, and it doesn’t help that I look younger than I am. I forget to ask questions at the right time and then, at a crucial moment, I’m left confused and wishing I’d asked when I had the opportunity. I dwell on past conversations, and whether I unintentionally offended someone. I go over things I maybe wanted to phrase differently, realizing something sounded better in my head than said out loud. I’m pretty hard on myself!

My husband, on the other hand, has always seemed so sure of himself. Even in his teenage years, when everyone else was either embarrassed or cocky, he just knew who he was. Now, he is the picture of humble self-confidence. He always seems to know what to say at the right time, and he is the most patient person I’ve ever known. He loves to research topics of interest to him and excels as a student, a lifelong learner. One of my favorite qualities about him is his ability to take a step back from a frustrating situation, calm down, and respond with grace. I won’t go into detail, but my first inclination is not to respond gracefully! God knew I needed someone like him in my life. It takes a lot of effort for me to hold back a biting retort, hence the reason I don’t always feel like a “grown up”…(whatever that means).

They say people start to become more like their spouse as time goes on. I am SO GRATEFUL to God for blessing me with a spouse like John. He embodies such goodness! Getting to see him be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, and gentle are HUGE learning moments for me; he is such a gracious teacher.


Last month we celebrated our 6th anniversary. It feels like we’ve been married forever, in a good way 🙂 But it just keeps getting better. He keeps loving me, even when I fall apart. He keeps leading me, even when I don’t want to follow. He continues to encourage me, even especially when I’m feeling discouraged. He helps to remind me who I am and whose I am.

I often joke that he’s the better parent, and it’s kind of true. (I know, I know, we both have our strengths and weaknesses…although I feel like my weaknesses outnumber his greatly!) I wouldn’t be nearly as good of a parent if he weren’t by my side. But it’s not just parenting that I enjoy doing alongside him. We have fun even in our seemingly mundane day-to-day activities. But let’s be honest. moving 7 times in 6 years hasn’t provided us with a lot of “mundane” time. We love to cook, hike, travel, and eat interesting foods together. We love discussing books, movies, adventure ideas, and parenting topics. We forgive and forget, we show compassion, we encourage each other to be the best versions of ourselves, we both enjoy coconut milk ice cream, and a good pun. Some days are really really hard because life isn’t all sunshine and roses. Sometimes the sunshine makes you uncomfortably hot and those thorns pierce your hands. But at least we get to journey together, and for that I am grateful. 

Here’s to forever.

Happy 6th anniversary, John-boy! I love you so.

<3